Friday, November 12, 2004

Satire or not? Either way I'm going to hell.

I don't make a habit out of reading spam, but sometimes curiousity gets the better of me and I find myself staring at a genuine penis enlarger or a sincere plea from my long lost Nigerian cousin. In this case, it was the forces of Christianity which graced my in-box... or was it the forces of satire? Christian advocates have taken up some strange tools to fulfil the wishes of the Almighty thesedays - some pray, some vote and some chose to burn lesbians on a stake.

Genuine or satire, what do you think?:

Our suggestions
Please implement the following basics of website design:

use frames — frames are like Jesus’ words, they let us know where we’ve been, where we’re going and how to get there.

use a coherent colour scheme — the current scheme is literally nauseating when worshipping G-d using drugs — Brent thought that his mind was broken. Remember Revelation 17:4 ‘And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication’.

the links don’t work — imagine flicking to Philippians 1:1 but still being at Mark 4:21! Almost like having one’s link to G-d broken!


The full e-mail is in the comments.

2 comments:

-A. said...

From : Brent and Bill (brillwitnessesstuff@hotmail.com)
Sent : Thursday, 11 November 2004 3:02:01 PM
To : info@iwitnessstuff.com
Subject : We've witnessed stuff

Dear Rory and Alina (got no idea who they are -AOTW)

Background
Very early one fateful morning last week, we discovered one of your tracts that had been placed on our car, after we had been out nightclubbing all night. I (Bill) placed it in my vest immediately, however was distracted by Brent’s antics and soon forgot about it. Therefore, I was unable to read it for a while.

Like all True Christians, we use drugs to heighten our perception of Him. After a heavy prayer session the next day, I remembered your tract. Accordingly, we then checked out your website www.iwitnessstuff.com.

The shock

We believe that you think that you’re doing the right thing. However, the presentation and format of your website could make us think that don’t want Glory and Praise to be given to Him.
Seeing all the incoherent colours and underlined-but-not-linked-text on your website contributed to Brent having a bad trip. He couldn’t keep anything down all night.

Why you should improvement presentation and format

You are right when you say ‘Guaranteed to get many reactions and thereby many opportunities to witness’. However, until you improve presentation and format (and thereby readability), people will not be able to look, react, witness!

Our suggestions

Please implement the following basics of website design:
use frames — frames are like Jesus’ words, they let us know where we’ve been, where we’re going and how to get there.
use a coherent colour scheme — the current scheme is literally nauseating when worshipping G-d using drugs — Brent thought that his mind was broken. Remember Revelation 17:4 ‘And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication’.
the links don’t work — imagine flicking to Philippians 1:1 but still being at Mark 4:21! Almost like having one’s link to G-d broken!
Or do you have a plan, and have not implemented the above for a particular reason?
We believe that you’re doing good work and want to kept abreast of all developments.

Yours in Jesus

Brent and Bill (‘Brill’)

Anonymous said...

Dear Ari

You goose!

You silly goose! We are not spam. We are not satire. We are real: I am Bill and my very special friend is Brent. He’s not writing this, he’s praying right now but he’ll have a read over this before I send it, if he is not too ‘overwhelmed by His Glory’ (if you know what I mean).

Re our last letter

We read your blog and we think that you’re right on! We thought that we’d send you a copy of our letter to Rory and Alina. Have you checked out their website? What do you think? FYI: Rory and Alina have not replied to us! Very un-Christian!

We’re long time readers of your blog and have wanted to make contact with you for some time. But we have never felt that we have anything up to ‘Ariontheweb’ standard — until we fashioned our missive to Rory and Alina.

Actually, Brent was initially a bit upset by your post about our letter. But he now knows it’s part of G-d’s plan (and it was probably because he was coming down from a heavy prayer session the night before).

Please write

Please reply to us. If for no other reason, it would make Brent very happy.

Bill and Brent